


Oneshots

by breakingslowly



Category: Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anti-Hero, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Explicit Language, F/M, Female Anti-Hero, M/M, Mutants, Possible Character Death, Spideypool - Freeform, Strong Female Characters, Vigilante Justice, maybe some smut later on, vigilantes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 15:04:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14311311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakingslowly/pseuds/breakingslowly
Summary: In which Deadpool does questionable things, sometimes in the presence of questionable people.





	Oneshots

Okay, so he wasn't  _stalking_  Spiderman exactly. He was just.. following him around at a distance, you know? He'd gotten two pizzas and everything because he knows that Spidey is one hungry boy. Who wouldn't be? Doing.. something by day and fighting crime by night? See, he's no stalker. It's not like he knows where the guy lives or anything.

**[It's still stalking. I'm not shaming, though. You're feeding him.] {You know what else you could feed him?}**

The mercenary giggles loudly and shakes the pizza boxes in his glee, ignoring the weird look he gets from a lady and her daughter as they pass by. “Little chocolates? Not the cheap kind but like, the Dove kind? Man, I don't know why those things are so  _good_. They're made by the same company that makes soap - not that  _that_ doesn't smell good enough to eat, too. I've never tried it. Should I? I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment but a man can hope-"

{No, I- not chocolate. Or soap. But it  _is_ a liquid.} [... Is semen a liquid?] {Do you always have to question me, Harold?}

“ _Semen_?” He questions, admittedly a bit too loudly. For a split second, him and an old man lock eyes, although the poor chap can't tell, what with Deadpool’s mask. The mercenary stops in his tracks in the middle of the sidewalk, jerking the pizza boxes to cover his heart. “Yeah,  _you_ , buddy. You still got it? I bet you do. Go give it to that sexy woman of yours! Or man. Or.. you know what, I don't judge. Have at it, buddy. You can do it.”

He starts walking again, damn pleased with himself. His mind has started wandering, now, to the wonders of furries. One day, all of the teenagers will be old like that guy. There will be old people furries.  _Sweet_.

**[Dude, we were talking about feeding Spiderman our jizz and you're more concerned about people in fursuits?] {It is what it is. Wait. I think we lost the web-head! Mayday! Mayday!}**

“ _Mayflower_!” He curses under his breath, looking around frantically. The mask fucks with his peripheral vision so he's.. he's turning his head like a lunatic, searching the darkened skies. “You  _distracted_ me! I am  _not_  eating two boxes of pizza by myself again tonight because of you asshats-"

**[You would've gotten distracted by a crack in the cement. Don't blame this on us.] {Don't give him any ideas. The fuck is wrong with you??}**

Wade slowly looks down to his feet in the dim streetlight, painfully oblivious to the fact that he's holding the pizza boxes sideways and probably fucking everything up in there. “I would  _not_  get distracted by a crack in the ground. An  _ass_ crack, though, may.. hey, guys, you think there's a clown hiding in there? Goochie-goochie goo~!”

**[For fucks- stop cooing at the drain! I think I heard something.] {Yeah, me too. The traffic.}**

He squints, slowly standing up from his crouched position and wiggling his nose. “My.. my bitch senses are tingling. Either Wolverpeen’s around, or.. no, no, it can't be. But it is! It's a little early for deranged alcoholics to be wandering the streets, don't you think? I-  _whoa, mama_.”

Wade's poor little heart can hardly take the sight he's met with as he peers down a shady-looking alleyway. There's a dead guy, slowly draining of blood (that's always fun), a gun shattered in front of a particularly icky dumpster, and.. well, if it isn't Spiderman and Little Miss Bitch. Why exactly can his heart not take it, you ask? Well..

Little Miss Bitch is bound by webbing up against the brick wall, Spidey is all up in her business (not in a sexy way but one can hope it'll turn that direction), and they seem to be arguing quietly. Their eyes are trained on each other, her mouth is moving, he can almost make out--

Her head snaps towards him. Well, shit. “Now  _really_  isn't the time, Deadpool. Can you-? You know, go?”

**[Aww, she's so snappy even when she's helpless.] {I'm upset that the author hasn't gone into detail about how she looks, I mean. Hell, you know what?** **_I_ ** **will. She's real pretty, her cheeks pink and her short brown hair.. looks a little bit like she's just had sex. And** **_unf_ ** **-} [Her mask is in Spidey’s hand, and the rest of her-] {She's wearing all black (which is so me, I should be called black and** _**not** _ **yellow but y'know), and it's skin fucking tight. Just. Boobs and hips and** _**thighs** _ **. I love me some thighs, big and juicy..} [Are you.. are you talking about Little Miss Bitch or KFC?]**

While listening to all of this in his head, Wade has stood gawking stupidly at them as the two stare him down. He just. He ships it, okay? It would be an honor to see them fornicate and declare their undying love for each other. He never knew he needed this until now, but now that he has a taste, there's no turning back-

“Wade, it seriously isn't a good time. Look, I'll find you later but you need to go -- somewhere. Somewhere else-" The spandex-wearing hero says slowly, voice tight with emotion.

Wade can't help it. He squeals, shaking the pizza boxes like maracas in his excitement. The requests for him to leave have simply gone in one ear and out the other. He's blinded (or rather deafened) by true love. “Oh, sweet jesus, praise  _be_ -"

“For fucks-  _leave_  or I'll make him web you, too,” The Lioness hisses out, voice raising slightly in attempt to get the point across. She tugs pissily at her bindings and Spiderman? Well. He looks away from Wade sharply, brows furrowing behind his mask. “ _Make_  me?”

“Yeah! You'll make him? You tell her, Spooderb-" Wade doesn't get to finish what he's saying.

Jasmine scowls, “Web him.”

And, well, Spooderbab does.

The mercenary lets out a surprised screech as a spurt of webbing to the face blinds him and he wobbles backwards some, a loopy grin trying to tug at his lips. “‘At’s ‘e ‘exiest ‘ing ‘oo ‘appen ‘oo ‘e all ‘eek!”

It's then that Spiderman takes it upon himself to web Wade again in exasperation, landing him right in the crotch. His hands go to his head - he'd be tugging at his hair if he could.

Wade doubles over in pain at the force because boy, oh boy, those web-shooters pack a punch, but he still has a firm grip on his pizza boxes. He’d be damned if he dropped them, because they’re Spidey’s treat, after all. Nevermind that Spidey just webbed him in the family jewels, which, by the way, is totally hot. Hurts like a son of a bitch but hey! He'll take what he can get.  **[** **I think it's time for a jizz joke.] {Hm. Ooh, ooh! Hey, Spidey, I know something else that's white and sticky that you can cover us in-}**

“You two get a kick out of making my life difficult, don't you? This is supposed to be  _simple_. Black and white. Good and bad. Why don't you both just-" The young hero is cut off by The Lioness. She seems to like interrupting people and finishing sentences for them, honestly. It's a common theme with her.

“Start being stereotypical villains? I mean, I just killed a man and I'm an asshole. That guy kills people for cash and he's nuts. Sweetheart, I think it's your problem that you can't bring yourself to get rid of us.”

She has a point. Deadpool nods his head slowly, still leaned over from the pain in his poor one-eyed wonder worm. “‘mn ‘ight, ‘e’s uh ‘eetie.”

Still, though, Wade definitely understands Spiderman’s frustration - with her, at least. She only kills rapists (at least, that they know about). Only difference between the two vigilantes is that she takes justice one step further and takes the bad guys out for good. Wade, though? Shit, he's a mercenary. He just kills people, doesn't check to see whether or not they're good or bad.

“Can't bring myself to-? Have you forgotten that Deadpool can't die? He just keeps coming back, I  _can't_  get rid of him. I've put him in jail before but he just- he breaks out. It's useless.” Spiderman glances towards the still nodding merc before switching his gaze back to the female, voice sour. “You, on the other hand.. you just- I've given you  _chances_. You're supposed to be a good guy. You only go after baddies but it's just- it's not up to us to decide their fate. We can't play god!”

Jasmine tugs at the webbing with a grimace, but otherwise she doesn't seem all that distressed despite the situation. Perhaps a little uncomfortable, as she keeps glancing down to her mask in Spidey's hand, but there's no fear. No guilt. “I'm not a good guy, never have been, but you're naive to think that throwing those assholes in jail will do any good. They'll get right back out and even if they don't get released, they'll just rape some poor guy in prison. I'm doing this world a favor by killing them. Maybe sometimes you  _need_ to play god because he's not going to do what needs to be done hims--”

This time, Spiderman cuts her off by webbing  _her_  mouth. The woman's brows furrow and her eyes squeeze shut momentarily at the sting but then she's glaring at the young hero with the flames of hell dancing within their depths. Razor-like claws emerge from her fingertips and jesus, the rumbling coming from her chest is unsettling. Even so, her claws are useless with how she's bound. No matter how hard she'd thrash, she'd still be stuck for another hour at least. Makes Wade wonder what the hell is in that stuff but he's not gonna bother asking again; Spidey never tells.

Wade watches as Spiderman pats over The Lioness’s hips before retrieving her phone out of her pocket, dropping her mask at their feet. The youngest of the bunch keeps his eyes away from the dead man, instead walking towards Wade as he dials 911. “I've gotta call this in.”

The mercenary can't find it in himself to feel sorry enough for the struggling female to help her, not when Spidey is actually paying attention to him. He'd, uh, mouth sorry to her but she wouldn't be able to see because of his mask and the webbing. So.. he decides to keep quiet for once in his life, listening to Spiderman’s stressed voice talking to the 911 operator and examining the dead body from where he stands. The guy's pants are still around his ankles.

It's not long before the younger masked man tosses the phone to the ground, leaving it to clatter at Jasmine's feet. His jaw sets, eyes seeming to bore into Wade even though they're hidden. He seems.. very upset. Understandably, Wade guesses. He wanted the other vigilante to be good.  **[I dunno, I agree with Little Miss Bitch.] {He's so pure. I love him.}**

Deadpool, finally having straightened up, stays in place as Spiderman studies him. “‘o pure. ‘mol bab--"

“I'm, uh, going to stop you right there. Thanks for the pizza, Wade, really, but it's not a good time. Thursday, ten o’clock, same spot? I'll buy this time. It's.. sorry, I just. Not tonight.” He rests his hands on the older male's shoulders, giving a firm squeeze. “Thank you.”

“I, ermm-" Wade clears his throat, giving a simple nod as he glances down at the pizza boxes. There's.. still webbing on his mouth. “‘eah. ‘o ‘roblem. ‘ee ya?”

“Yeah, I'll see you then and.. I'm going to be watching to, y’know, make sure you don't get any bright ideas to free her. Got it? Yeah? I'm gonna.. go.” The young hero waves briefly before webbing a building in the distance and within mere moments, he's disappeared into the shadows of the night.

**[Why is it that the only people we get along with are enemies?] {I think they have a love-hate thing going on. Unf- can you imagine? She'd eat that poor guy alive.} [She can't do that if she's in prison.] {Aw, fuck.}**

“G’d’mmit,” Wade mutters and it's at that moment that he and Jasmine lock eyes. She's stopped struggling by now, knows that it's useless. It's disturbing, the lack of emotion she possesses while seeming to stare into his damn soul. Slowly, he starts backing up, a nervous chuckle muffled by his mask and the webbing. “‘orry, ‘ussy’at, ‘o ‘an ‘oo-"

Thursday at ten o’clock.   
Spiderbab’s gonna hang out with him.  _Willingly_. Yeah, Deadpool's moral compass is kinda fucked. But hey, sometimes it pays off!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be posting this on here, as well as Wattpad ( @.sandpaperdildo ) and Quotev ( @.grenadelauncher ) but if this is found anywhere else, that isn't me and it's been stolen. Please tell me if you find any of my works somewhere else!  
> I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it - Deadpool is a definite favorite of mine!  
> I'd greatly appreciate any feedback on this, and that includes constructive criticism!


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